How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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