I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
