I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
