No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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