I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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