Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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