i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
