Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
