what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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