i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
