I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
