The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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