I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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