I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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