the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
