Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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