I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
