I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
