After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
