Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
