I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
