You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
