you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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