ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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