Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
