Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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