Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
