I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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