woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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