I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
