then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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