We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Redeem this text for a blowjob
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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