If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Houston, we have a squirter
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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