When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
