dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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