I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
