dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
