My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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