The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
