just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
