Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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