why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
