S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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