i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I smell stomach acid.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
