Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
