I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Randomize
