please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
