apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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