You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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