Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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