he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize