Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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