I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
