Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have tasted many bathrooms
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
