I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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