Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
